Outrage & Energy!

So, here we go.

I fully intended to start updating this blog on a regular basis ages ago, but since I'm sucking down a Joose 9.0% right now I figured I'd address some issues with people who whine too much.

From a wonderful article on Time.com, with the fitting title: Alcoholic Energy Drinks: A Risky Mix

"Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler, a Democrat who is helping lead a national campaign against the beverages, calls them 'disgusting.' He elaborated: 'The caffeine is a stimulant that triggers the false impression that kids can drink more and still function normally. The kids won't recognize they are actually drunk...And then all of a sudden, over a short period of time, it goes Bam, and they're gone.'"

Okay, let's be honest with each other here. Are kids ever going to stop drinking? Nope! And what is this "Bam, they're gone" nonsense? I'm drinking a Joose right now and I know I'm getting a buzz. As dumb as I was at 17, I still knew a buzz when I felt it.

And for the record: As far as I'm concerned, people drinking themselves to death is just another way to thin the herd and strengthen the gene pool.

For some reason people think that if all of the so-called "kid friendly" flavored drinks are gone, kids won't drink. Ridiculous. When I was 16 I didn't care if vodka tasted like rubbing alcohol and beer tasted like fermented urine.

It got me drunk, lowered my inhibitions and made me forget, at least for a little while, that I was an awkward teenager confused about life, girls and their relationship with my penis. I'm pretty sure I'm still confused about how women feel about my penis and how my penis feels about them.

Guinness and Jameson Irish Whiskey help. Unfortunately for the children, those flavors are a bit more intense on the "infavorable" scale and require years of taste bud evolution to fully appreciate.

So, here's my message: Kids, don't drink. Don't drink and drive. Definitely don't experiment with drugs. And for God's sake, please, oh please, put a f*cking condom on.

What's that, teenage boy? You're not listening to me? You're constantly swinging from insanely horny & confused to angry & depressed because of your hormones? I can't help you.

But this Joose stuff tastes great, makes you feel big & strong and makes you forget about that monster zit on the side of your nose.

In all seriousness. I don't think kids should be out, at age 16, getting shitfaced and having sex. Somewhere along the line I guess my mother & father established a sense of morals in me. But at the same time, years of life experience and too many hours of reading the likes of Salinger and Vonnegut have made me all too much of a realist.

Pick your battles, people. Focus on making sure your kids spend the night on the couch wherever they're drinking (instead of driving into someone's front porch), not on whether or not they're drinking at all. Because they are. They are!

As for me the next hour or two consists of Joose and Call of Duty: World at War! Senseless violence, Kool-aid-reminiscent flavored alcohol and caffeine. Drunk, awake and wrecking noobs. I'll see you in the lobby... I'll be the guy on top of the leaderboard.

Until the next rant...
Johnny